Wow what difference...

Hawaii Aug 2006


Jamaica Sept 2008



Steve & I on cruise Feb 2006

Steve & I in Jamaica Sept 2008





So looking through some old photos I noticed that wow 90 pounds does make a huge difference in how someone looks.
I thought before I didn't look that bad...I don't know weird...
Well here is picture proof I was nuts. Glad I woke up and started to try something else.

Ugh I really would like...

for my migraines to STOP!

Yea I'm still having them and I think they're never going to go away. The doctor said it should help when I lose weight. So I've lost weight. She said try not to have stress in your life... well I don't have that much stress in my life.
Cut foods out... Well I pretty much don't eat hard cheeses, not like I use too.

So I am just left in a dilemma to just carry on with pain & act like nothing is wrong.... or what?

My WL is not going very well because when my head is hurting I do not want to be at the gym or listening to loud music...
I like music when I'm working out.

Free food...

What is it about "free" food that makes some so crazy.
So I work at a large company that has meetings, often. Now most of the
group meetings don't include me or my group. There seems to always be
food ordered, not healthy meals either. I guess for more "normal"
indiviuals this doesn't pose any problem, but for some of us that have
an addiction to food, its sometimes hard!
Ok so because all those people who aren't included in the "food"
getting meeting it makes the food (I guess) so much more desireable! I
belive because it's FREE? Or they feel like since they work here to
it's their right or part of the perks, maybe it's a better meal then
they brought. What I'm trying to say is I'm not exactly sure what it
is. It's probably different for everyone.
So the point of this story is because everyone else wants/
desires to have some, for some reason it makes me have to have some!!!!
I know this may sound crazy to some, but I'm perfectly fine and
content with my own food usually! On "food" meeting days though I'm
not my focused self.
Not sure if its my competive nature, it maybe the "hunt" or the oh I'm
getting something you don't have. It's almost like I feel as though I
win if I get some FREE food, food that some of my coworkers really
desired but weren't able to abtain themselves.
What is that??? I'm not hungry or craving it by any means, so what's
my crazy addict food mind & body thinking???

The hungrys

So what is it about boredom?
Why does it have your crazy mind thinking... hmmm you must be hungry.
Then I am all 2nd guessing myself,
~Wait am I hungry or just THINKING I am hungry???
The mind games I play while trying to live a healthier lifestyle seem to be never ending.

So what is one to do?
Make something or just wait around longer in your boredom to see if it passes.
~So after 15 minutes I decide to give in I started to make something. Since I'm unsure if I am really hungry or just thinking I am hungry, I have no clue what to cook.

I start out with chopping up some veggies... put them in a pan with some olive oil, so I can get that oil in for the day.
Next I start building upon the few veggies by adding some garlic & onions, a little seasoning. Next what do I do with the veggie mixture... do I add some meat, polenta, or eggs (egg whites).

What I don't get is how come there's no real sign! I think the best I can do is control the urge to just eat crap and actually eat something good for me as apposed to just eating out of boredom.

Its a constant battle in my head sometimes. Why?

So not sure if you noticed...

The last 2 posts have been about my thoughts and feelings all about food & weight loss. I am starting to write it down as an outlet to maybe look back at & figure out why I am soo messed up when it comes to food & eating.

FOOD PUSHERS!!!

The next topic I want to vent about because this is my blog and I can write about anything here in cyberspace.
(Although, many of my friends and family know my blog so yea its not much of a secret) I haven't posted in forever so maybe everyone's lost interest.
Oh well writing for me seems to be helping with my issues so I am going to keep it up! (besides its going to make great material for my psychologist when I need to go see one for my food issues!) I can hand this over and say here read this tell me how to fix me!!!

So I want to know what the deal is...
(Now all my thoughts are going to come out and may not make sense to anyone but here goes)
I don't understand it....why when you tell someone no thank you, I'm fine, or I already ate some they still insist on you having MORE FOOOOD. I have had a weight issue all my life. I am not sure if some of it has to do with me not saying no! (I mean of course a lot is my own fault for not staying active or taking care of myself by watching what I eat, but now it seems like a constant struggle)
Sometimes I just feel like its so much easier to just give in. Its not worth the time, energy or fight about it!
What is it... My GF the other day brought up the same subject. She also thought that maybe the "food pushers" are insecure because of your not eating. I don't know folks I can't explain it. It happens a lot to me.
ALOT at work! Well I guess its just one of the places you spend most of your time so of course there's going to be sooooo much pressure.

Ok so reasons I came up with FOOD PUSHING/Food Pushers:
1. They think your hungry...even though you told them you already ate.
2. They are trying to be a good host... but you've tried something else on the table that is a better choice for your lifestyle.
3. They don't care!!!
4. They're jealous you are doing so well!!!
5. Insecure because if your not eating you think their food is not good
6. Insecure that you can be in control (trying to sabotage your success)
7. I don't know its just me and my crazy thoughts!!!

I am going through this journey some how trying to stay sane. (yea I know what a thought hahahha)
I know I can't control anything anyone else does or what they do with their life, but why oh why are there so many people out there willing to mess with mine?????

Its August already...

So I am still on my path to a healthier & better life. I struggle almost every day. It seems like food consumes everyone. Or maybe because I have a lot of difficulties with food I just see that. I don't know.
Today I had a party with most of my friends. We could all gain from losing weight and becoming more healthy. Most of us have struggled with weight in our adult lives. The last couple of years since being on WW most of the group has gotten better with dishes brought to potlucks or just the amount of food we have at a party in general. Although today its seemed like we had more than enough.
The longer and longer I take to get it, that FOOD shouldn't control my life, I get somewhat stronger. Or maybe its just an illusion. I know right now thought I can't sit in front of food for any long period of time. Even after I feel that I've satisfied my hunger, if I sit in front of chips, bread or any other reachable food I seem to just grab it. There is no purpose for this eating, but it still happens. Why is that? Why do I feel this need or desire to still eat after I already had my share? I don't get it.
Today though I stopped myself, I came to the realization that right now I am not strong enough to over come this. At least for now I can not sit with food in front of me because I will just mindlessly eat because others are doing the same thing.

I know I am rambling and by this time not making much sense but its something I had to write about. I feel like getting my "issues" with food out here helps. Well see :)

Found some great quotes....

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeeded is always to try just one more time." Thomas Edison

"It's NEVER too late ~ never too late to start over, never too late to be happy." Jane Fonda

Also I am loving the song from Miley Cyrus ~
The Climb
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna maje it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

SO that song totally express how I am feeling most often. Its my new anthem of my journey through this! I hope Miley doesn't mind. Isn't it strange how songs effect us, but the 1st time I heard this song and started to listen to the lyrics I was like OMG this girl is singing about my struggles right now.

Today I was told..

I have no right to be so picky! Well all I have to say is I have no apology for how I want to eat. About what I choose to eat, or what I request to eat.
I've done it the other way for a long time. Look how well that went for myself.
Granted a day of less than healthy menu is fine once and a while but for an every day event, its not something I choose to do.
~ There are 100's of birthdays or going away parties or even potlucks in the year!
There are 4-5 meetings a month at my work, but for myself that doesn't give me license to eat off my plan. Off of the new lifestyle I have chosen.
For the last 2 years I have put myself 1st and I can't stop now. I have my whole life to live!

Sometimes the enemy!

So yea too of my favorite things that I do not have complete control over. I mean I LOVE cheese. If its around I usually want it. My solution so far being in the lifestyle change mode is to have Fat Free cheese around or light. I use light laughing cows which are rich and creamy... feels almost like I am cheating!

The bread OMG the bread. What I can't stand anymore is that its put on my table at dinner. I seem to just MINDLESSLY eat it.
How many pieces was that? Oh 3 now. I don't even need the butter when its nice and warm. Sometimes I want the bread, because I have the "extra" calories left in the day to eat it. Most times though I don't want to be tempted by it or even just like I said before mindless eating happens. I know its rather confusing to my friends. Sometimes I am like yea give me bread and then next time I am like keep it away from me like its the plague.
I am a complex girl with FOOD ISSUES! Sorry its so hard to understand me.
So what is it that I can say to my friends... in a nice way, I will not go out to eat with you if we have the bread, chips or cheese biscuits on the table.
Some of my friends don't have a weight issue or even a problem with food or if they do they don't care. So how is that I bring it up when I am sometimes ok with it but other times I feel like i will go running and screaming out the door if its brought to the table!

I feel justified

So today I was kind of dreading but also looking forward to my weekly WI. I dreaded it on one hand because I would be disappointed if all my struggling over how the choices in foods I ate while I on vacation didn't work out, meaning I lost nothing or even gained I would feel like I went through all that for nothing.
I was looking forward to it because I know I did really good with portions and I stayed within my guidelines of what I am looking to achieve.
So with my loss of 3 pounds over this last week, well I feel justified for all my actions.
I feel like I am on the right path and I am starting to get this. Even though my mind doesn't always want to cooperate. I don't always want to do whats best for well being because its hard. I want to be like everyone else sometimes. I mean I don't know exactly what that means but if others are just eating like they don't care, sometimes I want to do that too!
But unfortunately for me I have to be very vigilante of what I do because too many slips will send me sliding down the path I don't want to be on. So alas I carry on doing what I know is right for me.

How to convince my brain to stop overeating???

The obvious fact is that all my life I've eaten too much. But why?
Throughout our evolutionary history, food has been scarce, so in order to ensure survival, humans have been conditioned to eat as much as they can whenever food is available.
Unfortunately, when food is abundant and rich in calories, as it is today, the results can be ugly.

~ SO that is an ad for a new product, but it really describes how I feel a lot.
How do I convince my mind I am full before I am SO full???
Got any ideas...

Its sometimes all about the company we keep....

In times when its hard for me its much more helpful to be around people who are also going to help me be strong in my fight!
I don't care about what others are eating per say or what their doing… (I've had to get use to that)
But its emotionally draining to be around others when I am fighting a battle in my own head about food and then no one else cares about it.
It’s a head thing, its weird because I don't exactly know how I feel just know I am not way motivated. When I am around other people in my life who are struggling and they just throw all of the hard work out the door and sor tof give up, I feel it too.
I've started to become a little unglued in my inspiration of losing, I think it has to do with not having a loss in over 2 weeks. I am not saying I need instant gratification but when I am doing what I am "suppose" to and not losing it drains on my own self esteem. I think it might be too that its that time of the month right now so I just want to eat as opposed to being ok with what I've got...

Maybe the fact that I haven't written anything down over my food issues...that's been bothering me!
I have been "fine" and now I'm not. When does this process fix it self. When does my mind catch up with what I am doing and when does this stop being so hard?

*Results not Typical

*I want to be a asterisk!

If your like me you have done many weight loss programs. Usually when starting any weight loss program or even eat whichever program's food, it has a warning label attached, or maybe not so much a warning per say but a message stating they don't guarantee you results. Hence
*RESULTS NOT TYPICAL!

I've been "on" WW's for 2 1/2 years now. In that time I have been really close to being more then 100lbs lighter then my heaviest. I imagine I am actually more then 100 pounds lighter but back at my largest I didn't really weigh myself. But for WW's starting weight I have only lost 98 at my highest lost.
I've been wavering back and forth about 10 pounds for 1 year now. I am fitting better into clothes compared to last year and my fitness level is better but for some reason I can't break into that <*> category!
I have some sort of block, laziness, mind issue that just seems like I don't care or want to get under that magical #...

So I joined the gym again, since I haven't been hiking as much as I once was to justify not joining the gym again. Plus looks like the weather is starting to get icky so may as well get myself back into the habit of getting sweaty with everyone else.

Training for a 1/2 marathon and while I train I need to also lift weights and do other types of cardio and I think being a member of 24 hour fitness (you know the chain gym, the McDonalds of gyms) is going to help me achieve this.

I'll keep you all posted, yea whomever you are who actually reads my twisted sense of weight loss!

I am a slacker...

Its been way too long since I sat my happy butt down and wrote in here. With my facebook account I feel like I say just about everything so no need to do the whole "blog" thing anymore.

Well not really. I mean I never talk about my weight on FB. Well not usually. I am so lost right now, Unmotivated! I'm working on it. I read another ladies blog its called Cranky Fitness. She cracks me up. I recently read an old blog post of hers about motivation. That its a job to get yourself back there. Yep thats how I feel. Like every time I am getting back into the swing of things I just do something stupid to fall back in my same routine.

A few days ago I signed up to do my 2nd 1/2 marathon. My friends were kind of giving me crap about spending the money to do it. All I was thinking was why would I be worried about the money if it gets me back into the frame of mine I need to be in. That is PRICELESS in my opinion. Its hard, I don't know how some people in WW's get so far with hardly any set backs. I mean there was a change in me. I want to be different and process things differently but its just been a rough road this last few months.

So yea signed up for a 1/2 marathon. I am hoping to actually run most of this. I mean my last I walked almost all of it. I walk pretty fast on average, but I know I can do way better!

Need to get some of this weight back off my body so it will be easier for me to actually run.

Wow its been a long while since I wrote.....

It has been too long. But you know every now & then you relapse.
Went to my WW meeting and last nights topic was support. How to ask for help.

I think Ive been doing so much better (and I've said this before) when most of everyone around me is trying to accomplish the same thing.
Like it still iterates me to some degree when I'm told don't want to hear about all the WW stuff.
It's like are you kidding me. Its part of me. How can I not talk about it. Plus almost my whole group of friends, we need to start talking about it. Not nessaryily about WW's but fitness & health and eating better.
We're not all in our 20's anymore and if we were concerned about each other then we do need to talk about.
-I know there's a differance of forceful and just talking about it.
-I know not everyone is like me but I think a lot people feed and drive off others. Studies show if your around people who care about their health and want to take care of themselves eventually it starts to wear off. I mean the obesity in my group is something we could work on, something we should work on.
Sometimes just like everyone else its like oh I don't care. I can't!

Awhile ago my friends saw me going down that path again, the one I was on before. They started seeing destructive behaviors in me that I use to have daily. *With food & fitness.
ME being Unhelpful to myself.
*Eventually I started to see. Telling myself "I have lost all this weight, I can't revert to my old ways and just watch myself lose control."
Sometimes it takes a friend to help you take a step back.

I know I can't worry about everyone else… I need to focus on myself and my family. Even though I consider my group family, its tough - I can't wrap myself up in what people do or don’t do. Its really hard.
All I can control is myself. And what I choose to do.

My Husband is helping me be the person I want to be it's so incredible
Ok omg I am going to start crying. Thinking about how supportive my man has been is just... hard to explain.
That time of the month you know more emotional then usual!

This weight loss thing is a trip... a long journey of learning.
Everyone's different.

I don't think I will ever be able to change my worrying but I try. Preventing an untimely death, I mean you wouldn't continue to watch someone drink & drive, or abuse themselves with drugs... or at least I can't.

My dilemma of the month!

Been almost 2 months on WW

I went back to Weight Watchers (WW) in May. It was a good decision for me. I did really well on it last time and I plan on keeping it in my life to come.
My husband is happy about it since now I really am aware of cooking and eating out. Travel has been hard. Its harder to stay focused when your not in control of where the food is coming from. Although I believe I did ok while away over this past week. Its what I could do with what I had.
Down again and so I've lost 21 pounds over the last 8 weeks. I think its great and I know right now I continue on. On this running sticker I bought it says its not how fast you finish, its as long as you finish. Although I will never be done with my weight struggles or food issues there is a finish with the aspect of weight. I won't always have to "lose" weight. However managing is a whole other story.

I started on track 6 weeks ago...

In that time I've learned this journey is hard. Just when you think your in control another food ball is sent your way.
Why am I so obsessed with food? I try harder to be more obsessed with exercise. I try thinking constantly of what I can do to MOVE my body. When I can move my body.
In the past 6 weeks my husband joined the gym with me which totally helps. SO far he has helped me get to the gym.

I lost 22 pounds in this last 6 weeks. Helps for the race I am about to do. I don't know about "racing" I am going to walk it though. Doing a 1/2 marathon is always good. It helps boost my sense of accomplishment. Which helps me stay focused.

Wish me luck!

OMG I cant even make it a week!

So I was so trying, obviously not hard enough though to post on my blog.

OK in my defense FACEBOOK. really I am telling you I am on there! Playing FarmTown... it takes up a lot of my "free" time.
Any how the deal is nothing was SWEET today.
Maybe a little Bitter Sweet. So it was 2 year anniversary for me and my friend of when we started WW's.

So the news... since I haven't been doing mx regular meeting attendance & haven't exactly been exercising to my usual standards. I have back slid. Which I didn't think was a big deal. But it left me only losing 17 lbs this whole year!
So yea not so hot!

I have decided it time to fight back to be me again.. time to recommitting to the SUCCESS of myself. TO BE ALL I CAN BE!!! Um hope I don't get in trouble by the Army for using their catch phrase.

~ Anyway thought I would share!

What's wrong with me

I haven't been here to post anything lately. Well I guess its because I am just into facebook. I post updates there. Yea so if your not my friend on facebook then yea I guess you don't get to know whats going on with me.

OMG my cousin contacted me on facebook. Yea I know not such a big deal for most. But I haven't been in touch with my Dad's side of the family since he passed away. I am happy he found me. I wouldn't have been able to find him.
I am loving facebook though. As you can probably tell by my many mentions of it in the posting.

Lets see what else has been going on. Well I went to the chocolate salon in SF. It was um A LOT of chocolate. I don't think WI today is going to be that fabulous. Oh well its life... its happens.

Steve and I are thinking of going camping next weekend. Its still a little chilly at nights but should be ok. We went in November so I think I can handle April!
Maybe I can go horseback riding.

I've been doing some meetups lately. Whenever my migraines aren't bothering me too much. I miss a few hockey games too in the past couple of months. When I am not feeling well its hard to go into a crowded area with screaming people. Yea not good for headaches.

SO other then that not much else going on. Steve and I will probably go to the Temple on Saturday.